hanging on

Sometimes things don't resolve themselves the way you hoped, but in a different direction than you thought you wanted - things turn out better. I'd been feeling broken-hearted that my maid of honor and I were not talking. When we finally talked I realized a lot all at once.
First, I realized I was feeling really low after the wedding because I'd twisted up so much of my self-esteem into the wedding. I worked for over a year to plan a day - not because I wanted a perfect wedding to impress other people, but because of what I wanted our wedding to represent. I wanted it to be reflective of our personalities, celebrate our friends and families who love us, and looked beautiful within a budget. After it was over, there was a gap in time, emotions, expectations, and in things to expect.
One of the decisions I thought I'd made well was over the wedding party. I think part of me thought if I could honor my old friends by including them in the wedding, I could keep them close to me. In thinking about who what my closest friendships were I thought about the length of the friendships rather than proximity or depth.
What I realized after speaking with my maid of honor tonight was that although my LA friendships are not as old, the people I see most often - TRK and Jean Marie love me and accept me in a way that is impossible to do from a distance. I am so thankful for them both. The revelation was that all the energy I was spending to keep far away friendships close to the heart, was energy I could be spending on the people who give me their energy everyday.
After a long teary conversation, I felt more clear.
More than depression, I think my self-esteem is the problem right now. I lost some of it whole being so focused on what everyone else's assessment of me was during the wedding planning. Now to figure out where to find it again...