Friendships Lost

It may have started when Carla Giordano called me weird in the third grade. I was trying to make her laugh as we worked on a geography project together and instead of calling me funny she called me weird. Since about then I have hated people calling other people weird. Carla was one of the popular girls in second grade and her labeling me weird meant I was not accepted. There have been very few times in my life where I have felt accepted among my female peers. Friendships come and go and typically unravel about something I don't understand. I am nervous about friendships disappearing. This worry is either because I've lost so many or perhaps the cause of my losing them - I am not sure what happens first.

The first big friendship I lost was Susan. She and I had been friends since kindergarten. Like a sister, I was sick of her almost as often as I was excited about her, but I was loyal to her none-the-less. When we reached high school I started dating a jock who thought she was a nerd. He made fun of her and I did not defend her anymore. I remember wondering why she couldn't just cool it so we could all spend time together. At the end of one summer she wrote me an eleven page letter on legal paper about how she felt that I was not being a good friend to her anymore and if I wanted to remain her friend I needed to respond within a period of time. In truth, I did not even read the whole damn thing. I didn't believe we would stop being friends and I couldn't believe she was being so melodramatic. I ignored it. A year later as I struggled through anorexia I reached out to her to say I was sorry and that I missed our friendship. She said simply, I am sorry - too little too late. I was stunned that door had closed and it still makes my stomach do flips when I think about her.

Laura and Amy were my best friends through high school and as my mom always told me, friendships with three are hard. I always felt left out or picked on or like I'd done something to offend the other two girls that they would then whisper about. I never felt like I could depend on them for long. When I was in college Laura invited me to love with her in New Orleans for a semester. She asked me about it every time I spoke with her but when I actually came it seemed like I'd done something wrong. She would not talk to me or answer how I had offended her, but it was clear she was offended. Finally, I left and we never spoke again. I felt so betrayed and angry but there was nothing I could do.

In college Michelle and I were attached at the hip. At first I felt more glamorous and interesting when we were together but by our senior year her mood swings and depression were swallowing me and I felt desperate to create space between us. Michelle was not happy about much but she was more unhappy if my mood did not match hers. As I began to make new friends and moved out of our apartment she was angry with me. I celebrated graduation with my family but as I looked around campus at all of the other clusters of friends I felt alone.

We rekindled our friendship when I moved back to LA but after a period of time I understood that not much had changed. I felt less confident and hopeful when I was with Michelle but that is how she liked it. Our friendship was based around supporting each other's bad habits so we did not have to have bad habits alone. Michelle could never meet a nice guy and spent most nights at the bar. I had no interest and she was irritated by it. I remember exactly where I was a few Novembers ago when she called me to tell me that she did not want to be my friend anymore. I couldn't believe she was breaking up with me. But I didn't fight back, I actually felt relieved.

Another Michelle and I became friends in college and moved to San Francisco together. We had 3 other roommates in a big house and right away there was a weird dynamic. Michelle and Kelly loved making me guess what I'd done wrong. They would be chatting away in the living room and I'd walk in and they would suddenly hush and stare blankly at the TV. They would announce they were going out and ask everyone but me to come. I had no clue what I'd done to get this kind of sophomoric isolation, I felt like I was on candid camera or something and everyone was in on the joke but me. I went through a really tough couple of years there after being mugged at gun point, but to Kelly and Michelle, their games were more important. One time I came across an email Michelle had printed and left on the floor in between our two rooms. It was from her boyfriend about me and said something about "don't worry about her- she is just a big crybaby". Did they really spend time emailing about me being a cry baby? Is that why she was cold to me - because I was a cry baby? I still don't know. After I moved out, I never talked to either one of them again.

I've always had friends around but the allure of a best friend has always sucked me in and bewildered me. I don't know if I have ever been anyone's best friend. Growing up, I never put much thought into what my wedding would be like but I spent a lot f time thinking about who would be my bridesmaids and if I would ever be in anyone's wedding. To me, being in someone's wedding is the ultimate sign of friendship. It's an idea I formed when I was very young and despite logic, it's still very significant to me.

When I picked my friends I wanted to make sure they were people who were loyal and solid. I saw it kind of like the wedding itself, the bridal party would be like a commitment ceremony with friends as well. The people who stood at the altar with MJC and I were the people I would like to be friend family. I think I maybe thought if I chose really carefully they might not slip away from me like my other friendships.

It was a relatively easy decision - MJC's sister( who I would like to be close to), Sean and Catherine were my oldest friends, and Jean Marie was a new but deep friendship. There were a few people who were certainly close runners up like TRK and my sister-in-law. I chose Catherine to be my maid-of-honor for exactly that reason - to honor her. Although she is far away, I certainly consider her my best friend. We've been friends for over 7 years and we talk all the time. She gets me. I respect her. There are a million reasons. Whenever Catherine talks about her best friends she always says she has three like she does not want me to get the wrong idea - her friends are Lisa, me and Genvieve. I always feel a little sting when I thank her for being my best friend and she thanks me for being one of her three best. But when I do, I file it away.

Sean and I have been friends for 12 years now. For a long time he was my best friend in the world, but I think now that we both have spouses it's hard to keep a best friend from the opposite sex. Still, he is ingrained in my life - he probably knows me better than anyone else outside my family. He remembers pieces of my history that no one else would know.

And Jean Marie - we've been friends for 3 years now I think. We have the best talks. Sometimes in our early friendship I thought me might share the same brain.

Last summer, I got a call from Sean to tell me he'd been married. I was stunned. Not because I did not love his girlfriend or think she was the right choice but because I only got a call after. I felt like all this time as friends I really thought I meant something to him. I thought I was his best friend. It stung unrequited - Sean chose his friend Brendan to be there with him as friend family and watch him exchange vows and I got a phone call later so I was in the loop.
I wondered if I was less important to Sean as he was to me and it hurt.

Catherine got engaged last year and talked about having two weddings - one in Vegas and one in Austin. The one in Austin is the same day as my brother-in-laws. I struggled with what to do and actually thought because we were so important to one another that I should skip my brother-in-laws and fly alone to Austin. I wanted to be there for Catherine like she was for me. I thought it would be important to her as well. As I planned my wedding, Catherine began planning hers. My impression based on what she said was that the Vegas ceremony would be very casual and low key while the Austin party would be larger and more eventful.
Either way, she is a very casual person. She made several comments about how her wedding would not be as formal or traditional as mine. So when she had not asked me to be in her wedding by the time of mine I assumed perhaps she was not having bridesmaids or that she was just having her sister.

After I got back from the honeymoon I was slammed at work, working 12 hour days to catch up, Jean Marie's mom died, MJC got a job and Catherine and I did not connect much. Every time I called I got voicemail and then when I left a message I got an email back instead of a call.
I tried to keep her in the loop with things by sending pictures or updates but rarely got calls back.

At the end of last month we finally talked. She was upset with me for my one-line emails and assumed I did not care what was happening with her. I was confused and wondered if perhaps something had happened when I saw her last that made her upset because her reaction did not seem to fit my actions. I finally asked about her wedding party and she told me she'd picked her friend Lisa and not me.

What struck me is what she didn't say. If it were a tough choice for her she could have said "You are so important to me - I want you to know that. But I had to make a tough decision..." something like that. I actually don't care that I am not in the wedding but I do care that it represents more - that she truly does not care much about me. When I told her my feelings, she said she wished I hadn't and that the time before someone's wedding is a time to cut them some slack.

She posted a blog about the same time as our conversation about how she typically holds on to friendships past their expiration date and I suddenly wondered if I was one of those friends.
I went down the rabbit hole of worry - Maybe it is an unrequited friendship. I thought we were so close and maybe she was just resenting the hell out of me for picking her to be in my wedding because it meant spending money she did not want to and travelling far away. Maybe she had conversations with her fiance or her friends about how she felt so bad for me that I thought she was such a good friend when really I was a peripheral person in her life.

It's been almost a month since our last conversation where she told me it was selfish to have shared my feelings. Her wedding is coming up in a few weeks and I don't have vacation time to go so it's a big deal to go and I wonder if she even cares if I am there.
As I see it, if I don't go, we wont be friends anymore. But maybe we already aren't.

I cant believe that it's been 23 years since Carla made me feel like an unlovable weirdo and I am sitting here on my couch watching another friendship disintegrate. The most difficult aspect if I don't know how to avoid this kind of pain in the future because yet again I did not see it coming and I don't understand how I got her again. If I could recognize what I'd done wrong in any of the times I would apologize. What hurts the most is this rejection does not come from my actions, it comes from who I am at my core and unlike an action- that I can't change.