August John

Catherine's baby August John was born and died today. I'm so very sad for my friend, I feel like I can feel her feelings. I can't even think of the right words to say and even if I could I don't feel like it's my story to tell, but Catherine and August are all I am thinking about.

We had to go to our childbirth education class tonight and I didn't know how I would get through it. Looking at all of those big pregnant bellies in the room and all of the parent's expectant faces, all I kept thinking about was how fucking unfair it is that my best friend got dealt the hand she did. I keep thinking of her driving home from the hospital, swollen and aching with blood shot eyes, a heavy heart, a weary soul and an empty car seat and I just burst into tears.

Why did this have to happen? I keep thinking about the whys and thinking about how little August got his mom and dad to sort out their careers and decide to teach. I also keep thinking of how nervous Catherine was about him being a Scorpio moon - it might sound silly but her gut was telling her it was a bad omen. Did her gut know? August was 11 days late too - it's almost like he did not want to come out because Catherine's womb was so cozy and because he knew he could not make it all the way. Catherine posted on Facebook when he was just a little overdue that she and Erik had decided to raise their baby in utero - at the time it was funny because he was late, but now it seems to eerie like she knew she was not going to get to raise him.

It's difficult to process two such disparate feelings at the same time- an emptying remorse for my dear friend and a confidence that my baby is still okay. I feel guilty for being able to feel happy and expectant when all of that hope came crashing down for Catherine.

Here is what I learned in getting through this torturously long day (big and small lessons):

I've got great friends

I'm one of the lucky ones

I know more than I think and I am more prepared than it seems like most other people are (in my parenting class)

Tall ladies look way smaller when they are pregnant