That's What She Said

I don't feel uncomfortable around very many people at all with the exception of people who, regardless of my actions, just don't seem to like me. Here is the problem. I am a perfectionist and my whole job is to get along with people and make people feel comfortable. When I do my best and it doesn't work,I spin out of control. I can't let it go and the result is historically disastrous. Fortunately, I can count on one hand the people like this in my life.

1) My cousin's wife, who seems to think everyone is competing with her. Trust me- none of us wish we were part of Daughters of the Revolution, or think that she ACTUALLY looks like Jennifer Connolly or wish that our husbands wore stars and stripes neck ties out in public.

2) Our former assistant who: a) did not understand the concept of us each being successful in our roles without negatively impacting one another b) had a tank ass (irrelevant but true) c) constantly brought new things into work ranging from Tory Burch flats to David Yurman rings to a new Mercedes and insisted she bought them herself when mathematically this was impossible with her paycheck and rent. d) Was queen of the back-handed compliment and snide remark - Two immediate examples:
In front of several people she said to me "Did you just fart? It's okay if you did."
When I told her I was considering doing Locks For Love, she asked incredulously - "Doesn't your hair have to be healthy?"

3) My best friend's school friend, who co-planned her engagement party with me. She was as rude to me as anyone but the aforementioned assistant has been to me in recent history. During the party planning process, she mentioned at least 6 times - Well, maybe you did not know it, but I used to be a party planner...with the pregnant pause and implied - so I kind of know what I am doing.

I don't want to put my M.I.L on this list, but she confounds me. She doesn't laugh at my jokes but laughs when I am not joking. She hates swearing (which naturally prompts me to swear like an Irish sailor) . She holds a LOT of grudges - kinds where she will not talk to family members for years for perceived slights. There are many topics of conversation that are off limits or inappropriate. She is a super catholic - which I think may be like a super delegate - if you are in this class trust me - it counts for more. And I really want her to like me. All of this generally adds up for beyond awkward interactions.

MJC's parents are in town this weekend, so they stayed in our guest room Thursday night. I was beyond nervous for them to arrive. Everything was going great until we got back home.
I think I let my guard down a bit and had enjoyed a glass or two of wine at dinner.
MJC was giving his parents the tour. When they got to our bedroom, MJC showed them the gift I'd given him for Valentine's Day - our vows in a frame. MJC's dad said "Alright, so it's yours right on top of hers?" I could not believe I walked in at the perfect time to hear it.
I could have said a Michael Scott "That's what she said.". I could have ignored it. But instead, I said "Yeah, Missionary Style!". I laughed. It was only me laughing. I looked at MJC- he was horrified. I looked at his father - perhaps more horrified. Still not laughing.
Poor judgement, perhaps. But there were so many things on the list not to say, it was almost like I had inappropriate joke Tourettes Syndrome.