You're a Mean One

I've been told more than once, I am a rule follower. MJC said it's the way I was raised. However, you'd assume that was similar to how my brother was raised and he is a rule bender for sure.
I feel like there has to be justice in the world in order for it to make any sense. If you do something wrong, you should say sorry. If you make a mess, you should clean it up. If you have a bad attitude at work, you should not be rewarded with a promotion. Or contrarily, if you obey driving laws and don't get into an accident, you should get a good driver discount. If you study hard and perform well, you should get an A. If you are a good friend, your friends should treat you well. This is the crux of my messy head and great big sensitive bright pink heart.

The first therapist I ever went to, listened to me for an hour of so and then drew a stupid grid on the paper with a square that said (WANT) (SHOULD) (NEED) I think there must have only been three. She made me look at the boxes and list all the obligations and duties that made me worry. Each thing had to go in one spot. Most of my things - like most people's went in (SHOULD) . The dipshit therapist said something about "How are you going to be successful and happy when you are shoulding all over myself?" I almost barfed at how stupid and trite it sounded. It sounds funny now but as a teenager, totally lost, I was terrified - this is the medical professional my parents were entrusting to get me back on track. How on earth could SHE help ME?

13 years later this is still the thing that keeps me up at night.I tossed and turned all last night despite my Chinese medicine for my heart heat, tucked neatly behind my ear. I reviewed all the things she said to me and wondered how she could think any of them at all when I knew she was wrong. I do not get how this bitchy little snot in our office can get away with her behavior when I try so hard to live right. When is someone going to see what she is really like? When is someone going to do something about it?

Last night as I watched America's Next Top Model, I had just begun to unwind when Bianca's snotty, passive-aggressive behavior reminded me of snarky. I said outloud, "if Bianca stays this week, I have to quit because it means snarky behavior prevails and the brat in my office will continue on this way. If Bianca gets voted off, all is right in the world and I will reaffirm my belief that everyone gets what is coming to them."
Bianca got called into the bottom two and worse still she got called against Jena - who I'd labeled as myself because she was being criticized for being sensitive.

Throughout deliberation as the judges discussed who would go home, and who would stay in the top three I fretted. I actually felt heart heat over if "I "would get voted off.
I jumped from the couch like my team scored the winning touchdown in the last few seconds of the game when Jena's name was called to stay.

Today another person in the office called and said she'd heard I was having trouble with snarky and that she thought it was time she spoke up about how difficult she'd been to work with. She emailed our manager and told me not to worry, she had at least three more people who would complain in a second.

Better still one of my sweet friends, of which I am lucky to have several, called snarky unprompted and told her how wrong she was. I felt like someone was kicking the school bully's ass in my defense. when she told me the things she said - my heart swelled.
I know I am too sensitive sometimes but I am happy I can feel. I am happy that I am able to impact people's lives and make them feel special and important and make them feel that on rare occasions, defending me is a noble cause.

Snarky does not have that power. She is insignificant. I would breathe a sigh of relief if she were gone but most people would not even notice. Maybe part of why she is so nasty to people is that deep down she knows that...maybe its actually not even deep down. Maybe she just knows it.

My strategy for so many months is to kill her with kindness, but I am not sure if my kindness is potent enough because the hard truth is, she is still here. Thank goodness for ANTM, because now I know it's not nearly time to give up.