December 31, 2005 Resolutions

The last time I blogged was New Years Eve 2005. With all the pressure that holiday generally brings, I was for some reason very focused on the next one, which was a month and a half away- Valentine's Day. The end of the post was about MC; I was trying to get the guts to tell him how I felt about him. I did and for the last 22 days he has been my husband.

Since I can remember, unless I can do something perfectly I do not have interest in doing it. I tried to sit down a couple of times in the past almost three years and write down my life, but my efforts always sounded trite or I was afraid to be honest and have the wrong person read it, so I generally deleted each post before it was published and kept myself busy with the actual living of my life instead of the recording of it.

Yesterday, I was reading through my father's blog, who started his because of mine, and was inspired with his consistency. I know in hopefully 50 + years from now, he will be gone and I will miss him so badly that is physically hurts and I will want to try to remember ever detail of him. What better way to do that than read his impressions of each of his days? After I flipped through the last three weeks, I looked up MLE. My last posting was a peek into what my life is now. It was a moment in time, right on the precipice of my current life. I was poised to act. My feelings were crammed inside and I desperately wanted to tell MC how I felt about him; to release my emotions before I would be swallowed by them. But after Chi was terrified telling him would leave me empty rather than relieved.

In a few hours, we will be babysitting for two twin girls who absolutely light up our lives because their parents (our very dear friends) are going to another wedding. The wedding is set to take place on the beach in Santa Monica but as I look outside, five hours from the event, I can't imagine the rain that is aggressively pelting our courtyard is going to let up in time. Poor bride has likely been planning her wedding for a year. MC asked if she had a backup plan. We didn't three weeks ago - why would she?

Our wedding was the best day of my life. Kind of like a This is Your Life presentation, I kept turning around and seeing another smiling face of someone I love. And this I know I can't say correctly because it was overwhelming. Everyone I care about in one room. All different layers of my life were represented. Try as I might to soak up every moment, it slipped through my hands, and the next day I was left with a blur of memories and worries about what I might have missed.

Ten days before our wedding, one of my bridesmaids, Jean Marie, told me she thought she'd be engaged any day now. Despite perhaps better judgment, I told her how I felt, that I hoped she would wait until after our day. I wanted to be honest instead of feeling resentment towards her and nervousness. I could see it happening because sometimes people don't put themselves in someone else’s shoes. He would ask her and then, just like when I got engaged, everyone would be asking her about how it happened and looking at the ring and asking about plans and if they’d set a date, and where it would be. Selfish as it may sound, for that one day I wanted it to be about me and about MJC.

When my brother got married two weeks before I got engaged, I wanted so badly to be engaged already. Everyone was asking us when it would happen, and it felt like it might be forever because it was not up to me. But at the same time I thought of all the stress he and his wife to be had felt in the last year and all the joy I felt they deserved and I would not for a second want to overshadow them. After all, 51 other weeks in the year we could pick.

Jean Marie did not understand and felt like I was managing her, which hurt me because I felt pigeon-holded into an aggressive role I did not think I was taking. However, I actually thought we were over it until another friend brought up a conversation they had about it after our wedding. I know she still does not understand, but I also know in my position, she would have reacted the same way. It was eleven days. That’s it.

I am still uncomfortable with this situation- although she is one of my best friend's, I feel like she has a perception of me that is pretty negative at times. She made a joke that really hurt me the last time I saw her about a problem she and her finace were having with their neighbor and she thought they should "sic me on the neighbor". My eyes welled up when she said it because I felt a little betrayed and perhaps like on some level she hated me.
I'd planned on speaking with her about it this week but then something horrible happened.

Jean Marie's mother lost her battle with a disease she'd been fighting for less than a year and without much notice at all she was gone. We were supposed to go on a hike that morning and thank God we didn't. If we had gone, she would have missed the call. Her dad said her mother was going into an exploratory surgery. It seemed out of the blue because just a week ago she was fine and not healthy but cancerless for now. A few hours later, her dad called her... The surgery had resulted in her doctor’s discovery that she was "filled with tumors when they opened her up." Her dad urged my friend to get on the next flight to say goodbye. Jean Marie had 40 minutes with her mom to say goodbye when I know even the night before Jean Marie was likely falling asleep just thinking is she wished hard enough maybe she would get better. In her last less than an hour, Jean Marie's mom held her daughters hand but did not open her eyes.

I cannot imagine what she is feeling now or what she may be avoiding feeling. If I could I would take away all of her pain or bring her mom back or what ever would help. But in truth I know nothing I could do will really help. Most mother and daughter relationships are imperfect, but my friend was really trying to repair hers, knowing she did not have much time.

I saw my mom a few days later to celebrate my grandmother's 85th birthday and I reminded myself of how lucky I was to be sitting with two other generations of women in my family and with my husband, who after so much searching, I finally found. Although I got the advice before our wedding and the ceremony was still a blur, I sat there at the dinner table and tried to drink it all in; tried to take snapshots in my blinks so that I could save it for later. Deciding to write again, flawed as my first effort my be, I am trying my best to let go of my need for perfection and instead take what I am given, drink it in and do my best to save it for later.